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  • They Died in Office

    Mortuis Honoris Datus

    William Henry Harrison the hero of the battle of Tippecanoe. Sworn in March 4, 1841 where he caught a bad cold and then died April 4, 1841. Historians who rate Presidents always rate this guy near the bottom but that’s not really fair, as he was dead for 3 years and 11 months of his first term. Some of these historians are meanies.

    Abraham Lincoln Sworn in March 4, 1861 assassinated April 14, 1865. One of the great tragedies in American history. He was shot in the back of the head in Ford’s theater while watching the play ‘Our American Cousin’. His wife wanted to see the play. He should have let her go and stayed home. Both General Grant and Capt. Robert Todd Lincoln, Lincoln’s son, declined to go as they were tired. No, there was no internet, cable TV, streaming or even the old broadcast TV. That’s why they had to go to Ford’s theater. Like we said, one of the great tragedies in American history.

    James A Garfield Sworn in March 4, 1881, shot on July 2, 1881 and then died two and a half months later on September 19, 1881. Garfield is usually ranked somewhere in the middle of the pack. Like in the 20’s which might be kind of nice. Considerably nicer than they rank Harrison, seeing as how Garfield was only President a few months longer than ole Tippecanoe. So it could be just a nice gesture for a guy who got shot. Or it could mean these historian meanies, just hate twenty or so other guys who were President, a whole lot more.

    BTW Robert Todd Lincoln was Garfield’s Secretary of War and an eye witness to the assassination.

    William McKinley Sworn in March 4, 1897 shot on September 6, 1901 and dies a week later on September 14, 1901. This assassination thing is getting to be a bad habit for this young nation. McKinley is ranked pretty high. He’s usually in the top 20. The moral of the story here is, don’t try to shake hands with a guy who has his hand wrapped in a handkerchief. This guy, the assassin, Leon Czolgosz, had a gun in his.

    BTW Robert Todd Lincoln was just outside of the building when McKinley was shot.

    Warren G. Harding. Sworn in March 4, 1921 and died of a heart attack August 2, 1923. Warren G, returned the died in office, back to natural causes, instead of getting shot. Harding was a very popular President while alive but after he died, there were all kinds of scandals that came out. People getting caught with their hand in the till and well it seemed Warren G, cheated on his wife. Sort of like a whole lot of Presidents that came after him. The history meanies don’t rate him too high, while they rate some of the other guys who had scandals and cheated on their wives, a lot higher.

    FDR Sworn in March 4, 1932, died April 12, 1945 from a brain hemorrhage. Hey the guy ran and got elected four times. He was in office for over 12 years, what did anyone expect? He was going to live forever? But the whole country was in shock and saddened. A whole lot of people didn’t even remember the guy before him.

    JFK Sworn in January 20, 1961, assassinated November 23, 1963. And, now it was back to getting assassinated, as the reason for died in office. This assassination is the first one caught on film. Then the unfolding events, the shooting of the assassin Lee Harvey Oswald, the funeral and the unending commentary where the TV talking heads would get all choaked up, were all on TV. This is also one of the great who dun it’s, as almost no one believes the official document, The Warren Report, on the assassination anymore.

    BTW Robert Todd Lincoln wasn’t at this one. So far as we know.

    Joe Biden. Sworn in January 20, 2021 and you may say he’s still walking around but trust us, he’s dead. When the leaders of your own party, a whole lot of the Cognoscenti of the Known World, the TV Talking Heads and actor George Clooney, tell you not to run right in the middle of your re-election campaign, it means you’re dead. Even if you’re still walking around in the White House.

    While we don’t have a date for the funeral trust us, it’s already planned; the burial plot picked out, his obituary written, the media has the little 1 and 2 minute video clips, that will encapsulate his life, all set up and ready to go. President DJT’s staff has already written his remarks as well. Remarks, where he doesn’t call him Sleepy Joe or the worst President of all time. DJT will just say a few nice things because Joe Biden will be among the mortuis honoris datus, the honored dead. The funeral home is just waiting for the phone call.

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  • Nice Work If You Can Get It

    Aaron Donald, Los Angeles Ram and three time NFL’s Defensive Player of the Year, has a Stalker.  She is Jenelle Anwar.  Usually the Stalker is a man and he’s obsessed with a woman but there are Stalkers who have been known to be female.  So that’s nothing new.  And celebrities have been known to have Stalkers of all kinds.  Some who break into their homes and some who even cause harm to them.  But Jenelle is a little different.  She wants a divorce.  Even though she’s never even been in the same room with Aaron Donald.  She filed papers in court and she wants $1,500 a month in alimony.  Nice work if you can get it and we guess you can get it if you try.*  That’s a riff off of a line from an old song.

    And Six time Jeopardy champion Andrew Hayes did not get final jeopardy in that sixth game but he was so far in front that the other two contestants couldn’t catch him.  He had 28,800 going into final Jeopardy and he bet 8,800 so he lost that 8,800 and only wound up with 20,000.  As opposed to 37,600 if he would have gotten final Jeopardy right or the 28,800 if he’d just bet nothing.  But leave it to Ken Jennings to put things in perspective when he said.  “Twenty thousand dollars for a half hours work, not too bad.”  Andrew lost in his 7th game but his six wins gave him $137,804.  Nice work if you can get it and you can get it if you try.

    Now the Enchanted Six pictured above, took to the skies in their Blue Origin capsule and landed to a chorus of boos.  Then came the memes making fun and the cruel jokes.  We won’t repeat them here as we don’t do nasty, even if it’s funny.  Well sometimes we do but we try not to.  Also people pointed out that the Blue Origin craft didn’t go up that high and it looked like a chance to take selfies more than a Space flight.  So they weren’t really Astronauts, as they claimed to be.

    In response to the negativity Gail King of the CBS morning show said she was like Alan Shepard.  Alan Shepard was the first American and only second man in Space.  He rode into Space on a first generation ballistic missile and it had a tendency to blow up during its tests.  Also Alan Shepard was a graduate of Annapolis, a veteran of WWII, a test pilot and one of the few men to walk on the moon.  So, she might want to re-think that one.  Also, Alan Shepard wore a helmet.  All Astronauts wear helmets.  The Enchanted Six did not wear helmets.  It would have ruined their hair, in the selfies.

    But don’t feel bad for Gayle King, she gets 12 million a year to read off a teleprompter, asks questions and talk about whatever.  And that is nice work if you can get it and you could never get that, no matter how hard you try.  Fugettaboutittitt!

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    * ‘Nice Work If You Can Get It’ by George and Ira Gershwin

  • Who’d A’ Thunk It?

    While this should be headlines and it’s not, Bill Maher went to dinner with Donald John Trump, HLH, HIAH, 45th and 47th POTUS.  This after the two of them have traded insults for at least a decade.  Insults like Maher comparing Trump to Hitler on numerous occasions and referring to Trump as that “that crazy person in the White House”.  Trump in turn has called Maher among other things a “sleaze-bag” and “a low-life dummy”.  But amazingly after having dinner with DJT, Maher said, he felt, that he  “connected” with him.  And that DJT “listened” unlike other prominent people he’d met with.  All in all Maher walked away from the dinner no longer thinking DJT was like Hitler or “that crazy person living in the White House”.  Basically, Maher thinks that DJT, is a good guy.  Who’d A Thunk It?

    And beloved former producer of The Real Housewives shows, Patrick MacDonald says.  It’s a “real bummer” when some of the The Housewives get sober.  Who’d A’ Thunk that?  We mean who would think that anyone getting sober was a bad thing?  Especially, someone who works with and supposedly cares about his employees.  Employees who think of him as beloved.  Well, if you ever watch these shows you’ll see that the women go on these road trips to some luxurious setting like Turks and Caicos.  They get put up in some luxurious house.  Then they go to dinner at some fabulous restaurant, where some of them drink too much.  By the time they get back to the luxurious house, they are fighting and throwing things.  That makes for good Reality T V.  So when they sober up, they don’t fight.  They don’t throw things.  They get boring.  So we sort of see the Producer’s point here.

    And New York State’s Department of Environmental Conservation raided the home of Mark Longo in Pine City.  There were 12 agents and they were there because of complaints from the neighbors about the wild animals in Mark Longo’s animal refuge.  Who were these wild animals?  Well they were Fred the Raccoon and the beloved P’Nut pictured above.  Both animals were tested for Rabies and both were negative.  In spite of that, the New York State’s Department of Environmental Conservation disposed of them.  How?  By cutting off their heads!  Yeah, just like they were Louis XVI and his wife Marie Antoinette.  Who knew they did things like this?  Who even knew there was a New York State Department of Environmental Conservation?  Who knew they had 12 agents?  Who’d A Thunk any of this?

    Now we hate to leave on a discordant note but we have to tell it like it is, for the public good.

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  • Not Quite Dead

    The shocking news that hit last week, was Virginia Giuffre had only 4 days to live.  She’d been in a car that was going at 110k per hour and as she put it, “no matter what you hit at that speed it’s not good.”  And as a result of that car crash, she only had 4 days to live.  In case you forgot, which is easy to do nowadays, Virginia Giuffre was the woman who brought down Jeffrey Epstein and Ghislaine Maxwell.  She was one of the underage, young girls that were sex trafficked by the infamous pair of Epstein/Maxwell.  And, just in case you forgot, there was the famous, no infamous picture, of Prince Andrew with his arm around Virginia, while they were both on the infamous, Epstein Island.  She took Prince Andrew down too, along with 12 million Pounds, British Sterling.  And, last week the bruised and battered face of Virginia Giuffre looked out at the world from her Instagram page, as if to say haven’t I suffered enough?  And then, her actual words. “I only have 4 days to live”

    Well it turns out it wasn’t all that bad.  The 4 days have passed and she’s not quite dead.  And, not due to die, anytime soon either.

    And also in the news was the retirement of Johnny Mathis.  In case you don’t remember, Johnny Mathis was a really big time, romantic singer from the 50’s and 60’s with many big hits and gold records.  He was so popular that he managed to keep drawing audiences though smaller, until he was 89.  Back in the day, they used to say that he caused more pregnancies than any singer who ever lived, as guys used to play his records to get their dates in the mood.  But at the age of 89, the strain of performing was just too much and Johnny said.  “That’s enough.”  And, this isn’t a sad ending at all, as we’re betting that a lot of you who remember him, are happy to learn that Johnny Mathis, just like Virginia Giuffre, is still alive and kicking. And certainly, not dead yet.

    And, Jordon Hudson just celebrated her 24th birthday.  Who you might ask?  Well she was a cheerleader.  But that was awhile ago.  No, she’s in the news, as she is the girlfriend of 72 year old 6 time Super Bowl Champion, Head Coach, Bill Belichick.

    After a few losing seasons and in spite of winning those 6 Super Bowls, The New England Patriots fired Bill Belichick.  You would think that a 72 year old, fired NFL Head Coach was finished, washed up, dead in the water.  But then along came Jordon Hudson.  Here they are together.

    Then the University of North Carolina, hired him as their Head Coach.  And sometimes Colleges pay their Head Coaches, more than the NFL.  So here’s another guy, who’s not quite dead.  Not, by a long shot.

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  • Quiz Time

    Yes it’s that time again. Time to see if you have been paying attention and if you have grasped what is going on in the world. Remember “Democracy dies in darkness.”

    Question 1.

    D.O.G.E. is

    A. An old car company from the 20th century.

    B. A game played by kids in the 1950’s.

    C. Something you do on or about April 15th of every year.

    D. None of the above.

    Question 2.

    As April 15th looms on the horizon, we’ve have found out that.

    A. I.R.S. workers pay their taxes on time, just like you and me. Or as one I.R.S. employee said. “We’re no better than anyone else. We have a duty just like all Americans, to pay our taxes.”

    B. They have until Christmas to file their own tax returns.

    C. I.R.S. employees owe 45 million in back taxes. Or as one I.R.S. employee said. “We run the joint. If we don’t pay our taxes what are you going to do about it? Who are you going to call?”

    D. Answers A and B but not C.

    E. Answers A and C but not B.

    Question 3

    Disney’s latest live action remake of Snow White is

    A. A movie that is breaking box office records and is better than the original.

    B. A movie about a girl and an apple.

    C. A movie about a girl and some short guys.

    D. A movie that redefines what it means to be a girl, along with, some short guys and an apple.

    E. A and C.

    F. B and C.

    Question 4

    The Trump Administration inadvertently let a reporter listen in on a meeting that discussed the bombing of the Houthis in Yemen.

    A. This is a serious breech of security because the Houthis now know who bombed them.

    B. This is a serious breech of security because the Houthis now know which type of airplanes, bombed them.

    C. This is not a such serious breech of security as a whole lot of the Houthis went on the get the 72 virgin package, so they never found out who bombed them. The could only guess.

    D. A and B but not C.

    E. B and C but not A.

    F. All of the above.

    This quiz was a little tough as there is more than one correct answer to some of the questions here. We like to do this because it forces the student to focus. Quizzes like life, are not fair.

    Answers. Each correct answer is worth 25 points.

    Question 1. Answer is D. This one was easy but maybe a little tricky, as there is only one D in D.O.G.E. Just like there is no I, in team.

    Question 2. Answer is E, as both A and C are true. This one was a little tough, as the news reported that I.R.S. employees owe 45 million in back taxes but we assume that it wasn’t all of the I.R.S. employees. There are always people in any situation, who do the right thing. Even paying their taxes.

    Question 3. Answer F. This was a little tough, as we didn’t bother to see the movie. But we do know that they kept the apple in this version and there are some short guys. Originally there were Dwarfs in the tale of Snow White but we’re not sure if we can use that term or if you can put actual Dwarfs in a movie nowadays. But we do know that the guys in the new movie are short. We could have or should have a more definitive question but then for that to happen, someone would have had to sit through the whole movie. So, give yourself 10 points for any answer you put down but only F, gets 25 points.

    Question 4. Answer A, B, C, D, E & F. With all the crazy reporting on the matter, you can give yourself 25 points for any answer here. We’re tough task masters but we’re not heartless.

    If you got 100, CONGRTUALTIONS! You’re a winner baby! We used to give out prizes but with the price of eggs nowadays, not to mention gas… We knew you would understand. So now, no prizes but the heartfelt knowledge, that you know what’s going on the world.

    If you got anything less… Well this was a little tough, as there were multiple correct answers and fake news being what it is, trying to figure what’s actually going on in the world, is not so easy. If you were able to complete all the questions, give yourself a pat on the back.

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  • FUGGETTAABOUTTTITT!

    Not since Who Shot J.R. has there been so much anticipation over the release of anything like there has been over the release, of the remaining JFK files.  Oh wait, most of you might not remember Who Shot J.R.?  There was this TV show called ‘Dallas’ and J.R. was the mega rich, shady, double dealing character, who got shot in the last episode of a season.  Everyone had to wait till the next season to find out if J.R. lived and Who Shot J.R.?  ‘Dallas’ was the number 1, T.V. show back in the day, when that designation meant something.  Just about everyone in the country got into ‘Who Shot J.R., including people who never watched the show.  Betting on the question of ‘Who Shot J.R. grew rapidly and odds on the different characters in show, were set, just like it was the Superbowl.  Then office pools were set up as well.  Again, just like the Superbowl.  The betting was fierce and almost every office had a pool.  JFK, on the other hand, was the 35th President of the United States and he was assassinated in Dallas, no connection to the TV show, back on November 23, 1963.

    At first, we were told and most everyone believed, that the assassination of JFK was the work of a lone gunman, Lee Harvey Oswald.  But a few years later the conspiracy theories began and they haven’t stopped since.  We’ve always had our money on LBJ, who had been the Vice President but we’re not into conspiracy theories, so we’ve never printed that before.  But now, with the release of all the files, we know…  Well… nothing.

    And this after all these years of conspiracy theories on top of conspiracy theories.  Theories  like…  It was the C.I.A, the F.B.I, the Joint Chiefs, the Mafia, the Russians, Fidel Castro, Cuban Exiles, the Bay of Pigs survivors, the Watergate Burglars, All of the Above, Some of the Above and just about anyone else, you want to throw in there, like LBJ, our favorite.  And, even though there is nothing in this new release of the files, it won’t stop the conspiracy theorists.  It will just whet their appetites.  They will see conspiracy in any mention of the aforementioned cohorts and others we and you have forgotten about.  Hell, the conspiracy theorists will see conspiracies in the smudges and coffee stains, left on the documents.

    In the end, the President got assassinated.  Like it of not, everyone got over it.  Even Jackie his wife, who married a billionaire.  And, the rest of the Kennedys too, who went on to drive their cars, boats and planes into things just like they always did.  Rumor has it that they weren’t too good, with wagons and carts back in the old country.

    There is never going to be a note in any file that says.  ‘I shot the President from the Grassy Knoll.  Yours truly, Joe Meltzer.’  

    It’s going to be just like Who Shot J.R.?  Once everyone knew it was Kristen, his Sister-in-law/Mistress and all the bettors and the office pool winners were paid off, it was just one big FUGGETTAABOUTTITT!!!

    So everyone, just FUGGETTAABOUTTITT!!!

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    P.S. J.R. survived getting shot and went on to be the shady, double dealing character for quite a few more seasons of ‘Dallas’.